Interim 8: A Fleeting Dream

    The door swings inwards, letting out a shrill shriek in protest. The hinges hadn't seen oil in years, but they still did their job with only a little complaint. The padlock that had held the door shut was easy enough to snap off. It was a cheap piece of junk, more for show than actual security. I shuffle in, closing the door behind me and jamming the handle with the plastic wet floor sign I stole from just outside. Every sound echoes in the small room, along with my pained groans from the simplest movements.

    Another piece of junk that needed better maintenance.

    Thankfully, the interior had been better maintained. Two urinals, one toilet behind a wooden stall, and two sinks took up the majority of the space in the bathroom.

    The train station closest to Noctyx house never closed, but I'd barely missed the last train before arriving. At first I had killed time outside, shivering in the snow as those that ran small stores inside the station or maintained the space left one by one. By the time I crept down the stairs into the underground terminal, I could barely feel any part of my body. The chattering of my teeth reminded me that I was still freezing, while most feeling had been reduced to a dull burn from the cold. Had I know I'd be spending the night outside, I might have worn more than a button up shirt and thin jacket, but then, had I known that my home was about to be blown up I likely would have prepared a lot more than just warmer clothes. 

    My first move was to turn both the sinks on to full hot water. The warm steam that began wafting out of the sinks stung at my nose and cheeks. The first feeling to return with the warmth was the pain, but it was proof of life if nothing else. Life wasn't supposed to be comfortable after all.

    Staring back at me in the mirror is a mess of a man. All of me is covered in grey ash which clung to me along with the snow, and my clothing is torn at the collar and leg. My hair had come loose at some point on the journey, strands sticking out like I'd been hit by lightning. This monster hadn't come to life by the strike, but instead brought death to those around him. Red and black flashes into my vision as my fist sinks into the mirror. Large shards crash to the floor which I kick away with a similarly solid foot.

    I let my fatigue bring me to the ground, nestling close between the two sinks for warmth as the water continues to run. Along with the warm steam, a faint scent began teasing at my nostrils that I hadn't smelt when I first broke into the public bathroom: Piss. There was also a hint of some sort of cleaning chemical, but the dampness I felt matting my trousers to the floor was likely a mix of both that the cleaner had just done their best to dilute.

    A cold, hacking laugh comes out of my throat as I pull my legs up to my chest and hug them for warmth. Instantly, they shoot back away, the metal far more cold than the underground air. Fulgur Ovid, cyborg from Nijisanji EN's 5th wave Noctyx, sleeping in a piss covered bathroom. The laughter comes to a slow end as the motion activated lights flickered and went out.

    Fulgur Ovid, legatus of division 505, almost froze to death from the elements before he could complete his mission.

    I'd been given a location by Vulpes, along with 3 days to get there. The location was one I'd recognized immediately. The same building I'd almost fallen to my death from 3 years ago when I first came to this time. It would have only taken me a few hours to get to it if I had the money for a taxi or a phone to order an Uber. Vulpes had given me plenty of extra time, warning that if I didnt show up within 72 hours then several more missiles would be launched at other known locations of Nijisanji members. With that, the drone I'd dragged away from the remains of my home had self destructed, almost taking me with it, had I not kicked it at the last second.

    Vulpes was toying with me. He could have simply hit me with another missile while I gave away my location holding the drone, or blown me up while in the middle of our conversation at any point. For whatever reason, he wanted me to suffer. Wanted me to struggle up to the last moment even though I'd already agreed to give myself over and return to the ashes of my own timeline.

    "An interesting thing that we've learned about time travel, Fuuchan." Vulpes had said, matter of factly. "We can't open up a portal to another time until you come back through that original portal. I've had all the martyrists doing their best to find a workaround, but your little vacation with the doomers has really ruined our plans. Funny how no matter what you do, you always manage to make the rest of us suffer, isn't it."

    If Vulpes had killed me with the first strike it would have been easy enough to collect what remained from the rubble and drag the carcass back. I guess it's even easier to have me make my way back myself.

    "Canis, are you there?" I ask, sliding my legs forward over the tiles until I'm laying down on my side. "Do you read me?" Tufts of long grey hair are sprawled about around me, taking up much of my view as the only sound I hear is running water. Above in the sink, and all around me in the pipes, the rushing sound helps drown out the thoughts I don't want to hear.

    "Canis, please. I'm ready to talk. Didn't you want to know what was going on?"

    The sound of a man kissing his teeth reverberates in my mind.

    "I already heard everything, kid. You're going to go back to what's left of The Republic and die with it. What else is there to say?"

    What else is there to say? A little laugh escapes my throat, but barely makes it past my lips. In another few seconds the same happens again. Then again. Soon I find myself chuckling on the ground, hair and body damp from the filth I'll be sleeping in. My hair is growing more damp by the minute as I continue to laugh at the shear absurdity of it all. 

    What else is there to say? There's countless things. The laughter begins to rock my whole body as I curl up slightly, lifting my legs and pulling them close to me despite the cold. There are so many more things that I should have said when I had the chance. So many missed opportunities to share my story or explain myself. So many words I wanted to share, but was always too afraid to let out in a genuine way. Always hiding them behind the guise of role-playing as an archivist or holding them back completely until it was too late.

    What else is there to say? At least one thing. The damp hair that had been stuck to the floor was now matted to my face. Tears and snot had overflowed as the laughter turned into crying and I continued to ponder the question my creator left me with. All alone in the dark it was impossible to know how much time I'd been thinking about it before the tears finally stop and I respond in a tired voice, quiet as a single drop falling onto a lake's surface.

    "I'm sorry."

Art by Soraseiun: https://x.com/Soraseiun80/status/1909202671782789534

    The sound of hot water streaming through pipes surrounds me, as I lay in a puddle of my own tears. There is no audible response from the listener, but somehow I feel his attention focus on me. If he had a body, I could imagine him turning to stare at me, taking in the state that I'm in without making any move or sound to do anything about it.

    "I'm so sorry, Canis." The warmth radiating off of the pipes above me feels like a hand resting on my head. No sound came at first, but then a quiet exhalation of breath could be heard over the running water. A sigh. That was all it was, but it spurred me on. When I next speak, my voice has risen to match the volume of the water and each word crashes out with as much force.

    "Gelu was like a mother to me. The mother I never really had. You both were. You were my family. I never would have hurt her if I'd thought she didn't have a back up."

    Warm tears continue to stream down my face as I lay, still and silent. The time passes slowly as the warmth I had felt coming from the pipes begins to grow cold. Sitting up, I realize that the hot water has ran out, cold liquid now spilling out of both taps. I shut them off with a twist of my metal hand, lowering myself back down to the wet tiles in silence. Just lifting my arm to rest my head on felt like agony. I'd done something to my shoulder getting the door open during the fire. Not like it mattered. The pain would end soon enough.

    What else is there to say? Fulgur Ovid's life is coming to an end soon. When the trains begin running in the morning I'll take the train to my final destination and say goodbye to this world forever. It will go on spinning, and in time my memory will be forgotten. Not much time, all things considered. I've only been here for 3 years. It won't take long at all for the Comfydants to find a new source of entertainment that doesn't have to constantly disappear for unknown lengths of time. The cats will be adopted by another human that will actually bring them inside and pet them with warm hands. Noctyx will go on just as well with three members as they did with 4, and 5 before. If anything, they'll get more opportunities without having to drag dead weight around.

    Nothing else needs to be said. They'll forget about me soon enough.

    I close my eyes, wanting oblivion to take me and carry me to the next morning so that I can get this over with, but every time my mind comes close to finding it's rest, images fill my mind that bring me back into the painful present. Twenty minutes. That's how long it's been since I've entered the bathroom, and yet it feels like hours of laying here. Purgatory. That's all this is. I can only hope that hell will be less boring.

    The clock in my neural network minimizes, and I instead open up a document I'd prepared to read aloud at some point in the future. Originally it was going to be within one year, then two, ultimately it had been three and I still wasn't ready to read this chapter and admit to what I'd done. Going through the text, I realize how poorly written it is. Cold and unfeeling. A sloppy incident report written for Chroma. Not what the me that exists now wants to express.

    One more thing left to say.

    I start from the beginning and begin editing the text, adding in details that weren't originally there. The feelings. The confusion. The guilt.

    I don't have to soften the horrific things that I've done, but pretending I wasn't guided into that action or that I didn't feel anything about it was pointless. The lies of a man running away from the mistakes he'd made. I fill the text with all the feelings I'd never included, and end it with several extra paragraphs about the time I spent with her after the murder. When I am finally done, I save the document and make sure that it has saved online as well before closing my eyes again. 

    If I had the time, I could add so many chapters at this point. The ones between all the tragedy and suffering. A childhood spent with a loving mother who did her best despite not being blood. Stolen moments with a sister who made a wolf feel like a man between his hunts in the wild. All the lessons taught by my two fathers and how they shaped me into almost becoming the man they wanted me to. The beautiful dream of a new family that I got to experience for three long years until reality came crashing back down.

    I've said enough.

    The tears on my face had dried as I wrote. While the bathroom hadn't gotten any warmer, my own body has warmed itself up after getting out of the snow, and now felt cool rather than freezing. I wipe the hair out of my face and close my eyes, actually feeling my consciousness begin to slip away without alcohol or blunt force trauma to knock it loose.

    "She would have been so happy..." Canis' voice reverberates in my mind. While my eyes open, I simply lay in silence, waiting for the punchline. She definitely would be happy to see what's become of her killer. Go ahead, I think. You're probably the only person who could make me feel worse than I already do.

    "Lulu would have been so happy if you had told her that you came to think of her as a mother."

    A whimper escapes my lips, but nothing more as the tears begin streaming down my face again.

    "Kid, about what I said in our last conversation..." The voice trails off, and I hear a few sighs as the man who never shut up finally found himself without the words.

    "You didn't say anything that wasn't true, Canis."

    "Yes I did. Many things. When you summoned me that time I had only just gained access to your neural network. I began searching for what was going on and saw the nightmares you were having. Nightmares of what you had done to Gelu. Nightmares that I realized were based in reality. I found the few chapters you hadn't read to me yet. Gelu and the second fall. None of it felt real, yet there I was screaming into the void for days because you hadn't run my program yet. Even nightmares can't last that long."

    "I'm sorry, Canis. I..." Now I'm lost for words. I didn't mean to hurt you? I kept him imprisoned in my mind for years just so I could have him there to talk to when I needed him most. I didn't know you were suffering? I was the one who had to constantly reboot him when he tried to leave early. I knew exactly what I was doing and it didn't matter to me.

    "You don't understand," Canis finally continues, breaking our mutual silence. "Lulu was everything to me since the day I met her. I wouldn't say I was really living until she came into my life. She brought warmth and colour that I'd never experienced. Losing her the first time felt like dying. Now that I've actually died, I can say for sure that it was so much worse than death. I don't regret my part in the fall. Given the same choices, I'd do it all over again just to see her smile one more time."

    "But, she didn't smile, kid. Not before I told her about you and she heard my plan to give you another chance at life. She tolerated me in the times I woke her up, but that was just because she was too kind to tell me how much what I'd done sickened her. I could hear it in her voice." Sorrow spread like a chill through Canis' words. Each sentence threatened to freeze him solid, but he pushed on against the frost.

    "You were right. She wasn't just trying to save you. She wanted to save me too. Save me from myself."

    "When I told you that you were just a proof of concept... that was a lie. It may have started that way, but you became so much more than that. You brought my Lulu back to me, but you also reminded me why I wanted to create I'mprints in the first place. You worked so hard just to survive in the world I helped create, and I never wanted you to have to experience the pain you did as a child again. I gave you, a helpless child, weapons that could kill even the strongest cyborgs in case you ever had to use them. I never thought about what kind of danger it could put you in! I only wanted to protect you and Gelu from everything that exists out there. All the vile and heinous monstrosities that humanity is capable of! In doing so, I took away the life from both of you. I stole the humanity from you, just so that I could keep you alive in a way that suited me. I truly am the monster in this story."

    The silence stretches on for some time as I dare not to move. At some point, my breathing has become shallow, slow. I practically hold my breath now, struggling to not make any sound until finally I can't anymore. Letting out a gentle sigh, I reach up and turn both the hot water taps back on. The warmth brings a slight smile to my lips.

    "Thank you, Canis. You're not the monster in the story though. You at least had a reason for the things you did. In my case, most of the pain I caused was simply because I could. I wanted everyone else to suffer as much as I had, and went out of my way to be cruel wherever possible. I didn't mean to hurt you. I didn't think I was killing Gelu. I never would have intentionally hurt Ovidia. None of that changes all the things I've done just so I could keep surviving. You lost something that you loved and did terrible things to bring it back. It wasn't like that for me. I created my own abyss. Surrounded myself with darkness so that I wouldn't have to see the bodies I'd left behind and then just kept killing anyone else who tried to enter that abyss so that I might have a chance to climb my way out."

    I close my eyes, returning to the darkness that I find so soothing. The gentle rush of the water flowing all around me quiets the storm of thoughts still going through my mind.

    "What would Gelu say?" Canis asks. I laugh at the question.

    "I know right. A legatus sleeping in a piss-stained bathroom and the father of I'mprints trapped in his head." Canis chuckled in turn.

    "Not like that, kid. I'm no good at this, but Lulu always knew the right things to say. If she were here now, what would she tell us that would make us feel better?"

    "... she'd make a joke to break the tension. Something you'd laugh at. A doomer reference that I never understood."

    "I didn't understand half of her references either, kid. I just laughed along because it was her making them."

    I lean closer against the wall, rubbing the side of my head against the tiles as my eyes close slowly.

    "Then she'd tell you that she loved you too. That nothing that you did would ever stop her loving you, and it would get even more awkward than before the laugh. But then she'd pull us both in close, and tell us to stop whining about things that have already happened. That we create our own world based on our perceptions, and the only way to actually feel better is to do better next time and learn from our mistakes."

    "Then we'd ruin it by drinking too much and pretending none of it happened the next day," Canis added with a sigh.

    The water was cooling once more. I thought about reaching up to turn the taps off, but couldn't find the strength to lift my arms. Even my eyelids felt as heavy as the metal of my Cynets in this moment.

    "You haven't hurt anyone in a very long time, kid." My eyes manage to fight their way open. All that greets me is the empty bathroom. "The reason I didn't talk to you for the last several months. I wasn't punishing you. I said too much in my anger, some of it true, but a lot of it was just empty rage. Then I was conscious in the back of your mind as you continued to live your life. It is a life, kid. You have friends now, family even. You didn't ever have that back in The Republic outside of me and Lulu. That's all she ever wanted for you. A chance to live your life and find what brought you joy."

    I stare at the long grey hair sprawled out over the bathroom tiles. It was full of tangles and knots just from one day of rough treatment. It would be easier to cut the tangles out than try and work through them at this point.

    "I was happy to see it too. You thriving in a world teeming with life. You didn't need me anymore, kid. You were only hurting yourself by holding on to me and clinging to the past. You have everything you need here."

    "Had," I remind him. I grab one of the smaller shards from the broken mirror in one hand and yank at the mass of hair attached to my head with the other. Wincing with each slice, I cut the hair, clump by clump until it no longer weighs me down. "Thank you, Canis. I'm sorry for... so much, but thank you for everything." Turning off the taps once more, I close my eyes and do my best to return to the abyss, pushing away any other thoughts that threaten to shatter that peace. My creator let me enjoy the moment of peace.

*************

    I don't know how long I actually slept, but when I next properly open my eyes it's to the sound of footsteps outside of the bathroom going about the start of their morning. I struggle to my feet, feeling everything ache as the lights click on. I'm lucky in the fact that other duties take precedent over the cleaning and stocking of the bathroom, and not wanting to fight so early in the morning I quickly unblock the door and run warm water in the sink. A handful of people come in and out, most not staying any longer than it takes to look at the mad man washing himself in the wrecked bathroom. Ignoring them, I wash my face and do my best to rinse some of the dampness I'd slept in out of my hair. 

    In the light of the morning I can see how ridiculous I look. Grabbing at another shard of mirror that fell in the sink, I do my best to recreate the hair I wore three years ago instead of the tangled mess I created in the night. It still looks rough, but if nothing else it shouldn't get in my eyes as much or give an enemy too much chance to grab at it. When I'm done, I find a plastic cup of hot coffee and small pile of change left at the other sink for me.

    "You doomers are so soft to one-another." All the softness has left my voice along with the chill of the night. I get no response from Canis, but I figured he would similarly be less talkative this morning. There are some things you inherit from family, and others that you pick up from those you're closest to.

    I take the coffee, feeling the warmth immediately take away some of the ache in my hand. I bring the other to hold the cup, and simply wait a moment letting the heat soothe my joints. In the meanwhile I count out the coins by the sink and realize I might not even have to jump the turnstile to catch a train.

Art by The Drawn Legend: https://x.com/drawn_legend/status/1911139881411137827

    "Kid, can I ask you a favour?" I almost spit out the sip of coffee I've just inhaled, but keep it down with a mighty swallow.

    "Didn't think we'd ever talk again, professor. What is it you'd like? Keep in mind that we've got limited time."

    "I want you to stop Vulpes."

    This time it was me who took the silent approach, taking another sip of coffee without any other reaction. If the professor had taken up comedy as a pass time over the last few months of silence, he'd need to go back to his day job.

    "How exactly do you think that I can do that?" I take another mouthful of coffee, swallowing it down hard before jamming the change into my jacket pocket. "You know enough about my body to know how close to shutting down it is. How do you figure I'm going to take on whatever kind of army he has waiting for me back in The Republic?"

    "I don't know kid, but you always do it. You always find a way to get through whatever life throws at you."

    I laugh, bringing my hands down on the sink as I lock eyes with the insane wolf staring back at me in the mirror. Hair is attached to different parts of my face by moisture, some is knotted where it should be loose, and everywhere are burns and splashes of filth from the fire and night after.

    "Why does it even matter?" I ask. "I go back to The Republic. He kills me and does whatever the fuck he wants in another timeline. Everyone is happy or dead and the universe keeps expanding until it too dies out."

    "You're not that stupid, kid. You're just doing your best to ignore the truth like always."

    I tap out a beat on the sink, ignoring the nagging feeling that's been bothering me since the explosion. Fuck, he's right.

    "Don't run from it. You've been doing that your whole life. Trying not to think about the scary parts. It's about time you stopped running."

    I run the water in the sink again and splash some of it on my face. Then I cup some and run it through my hair, using the moisture to push the locks back out of my face.

    "... it doesn't make sense," I admit, growling as I do.

    "There you go, kid. Lay it out, just like we always used to." I stare into the shattered mirror, several reflections of myself glaring back at me.

    "Vulpes isn't the type to play with his food. His goal has always been eliminating all of humanity and letting the earth go on without us. If my existence is preventing that, then he would have killed me and dragged my corpse back through the portal to go on with his plan. Despite that, he let me live, and over these three years, he hasn't sent a force through the portal to kill me or even just drag me back."

    "So, what's your hypothesis?" Canis asks plainly.

    "He can't come and get me. He needs me to go through the portal. The best he has are threats of violence against others."

    "Prove it."

    "How would I prove it!?" I snap back at the voice in my head. Getting no response, I think about how I could possibly prove what someone in another timeline was thinking.

    He said the portal stayed open when I went through it. Somehow that makes it sound like the timelines have been linked since the portal opened. He used the phrase "what we now refer to as the second fall" which suggests that time has continued to move forward back in The Republic too. So he's had an open portal for three years to another time but not done anything with it until now?

    I open a web page on my neural network and do a search for news reports about the building the portal dropped me off at when I came to this time. It took some fiddling with the results, but finally I find what I am looking for. A large explosion at the ground level which killed at least a dozen victims. Only three of the victims were identified, while the rest of the bodies were unknown, and several were missing body parts.

    "They did send people after me. Those are Martyrist corpses," I say aloud. "They just weren't able to carry out their plans."

    "Why?" Canis asks, guiding me towards a solution I haven't grasped yet.

    "I don't know! I don't understand how time travel works! Did they just not grab the building like I did?" I play the idea of Martyrists falling through the portal to their deaths in my head, but that doesn't make sense. As soon as they lost contact with the team they would have sent more, or a drone which clearly could make it through the portal and stay in contact and control from The Republic. After another few moments of silence in which a few different people come into the bathroom and leave, Canis finally speaks up.

    "You don't need to understand time travel. I don't even understand that. Just take the simple facts and draw a conclusion."

    "The simple facts around the time travel?" I scoff. "It was an experimental device that The Republic were working on, otherwise they would have been using it rather than hiding it in a lab. They could have infinite resources if it was fully realized. I fell through the portal and ended up fine. Other people came through the portal and ended up dead. Both a missile and drone were sent through the portal and did just fine." A moment of silence passes, not because I was thinking, but because the answer was so simple. "Humans can't travel through time. At least, not with the technology that The Republic has. You need to have a synthetic brain like me."

    "One of a kind," Canis replies to me. It truly was. Before I'd left The Republic I'd made sure that nothing else would be made using professor Canis' technology.

    "They need me. My body anyway. Intact, so that they can erase me and put another I'mprint in here or just erase enough of my memories to make use of me."

    "And then?"

    "Then they'd have an unstoppable killing machine that could travel through time and end life wherever it crept up."

    "Thats why you need to stop him, kid. I know what you did for me and Lulu in this time, but that won't matter when Vulpes has you. No-one will be safe. Not any of the friends you've made here, or any of their timelines that they've come from. Nor any other timeline at all for that matter."

    My hand sinks down and grabs at the netjack hanging from my belt.

    "That won't work. Even if you do destroy yourself it won't stop Vulpes throwing anything he has left at this timeline."

    "Then what am I supposed to do!? If I stay here he can rain down fire on us for as long as he lives, or just wait for me to fully power down and send some drones to collect my body. If I go back there, I doom... what!? All of reality to the Martyrists?" I smash the mirror again, more shards scattering over me and to the ground. I'm sick of the useless scrap of metal and flesh looking back at me. "What do I do Canis!? ...What do I do?"

    My whole body trembles as I cling on to the sink. For years I had considered my death as the best option for everybody around me. Despite that, I had always fought to live on in those last moments when my death almost came, fear of the unknown pushing me forward for another day. Had I died back then it would have saved countless others, yet now even my own death would doom everyone else along with it.

    "Take a deep breath." The words cut through all the other voices in my head that were screaming too loud for me to listen to any single one. Returning to my body, I take as deep a breath as I can and sputter it back out.

    "Again," the voice demands, and ever the obedient weapon, I follow my creator's instruction.

    The sink in front of me was cold and smooth to the touch. It had cracked under the force of my grip, but still held firm to the bathroom wall. I move my fingers along it's surface, tracing the sharp grooves of the crack to the point they closed at.

    "Once more." Another deep breath. This one I hold onto, letting it out slowly as I lift my head to look back at my shattered reflection.

    "Why did Vulpes attack now?" The question wasn't one that I'd considered yet.

    Because he wanted me weak and close to shutting down. Because he wanted me to get attached to other people so he could use them against me. Why didn't he just wait until I ran out of battery completely within another few months though? I already should have died more than a year ago.

    "Because he's running out of time," I conclude. "I don't know why, but he's down to his last chance too. He was hoping to wait me out, but I just wouldn't die." 

    Canis' voice was filled with warmth as he once again said, "state your hypothesis."

    "I can get through this," I reply to a chorus of chuckling. "But I'm going to need your help."

    "You have it, kid. Just tell me what to do."

    "Not just you, Canis. The other you, too."